She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
