I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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