Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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