my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
