he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
