I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Randomize
