I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
