I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
