My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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