some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
