Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
