My hand turned me down
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Randomize
