You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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