Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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