I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
