We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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