The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
