Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
