It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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