I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
