what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Just cropdusted the office
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
