mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
