I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
