she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
