I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
