She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
