I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I need moral support for this bender
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Randomize
