I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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