I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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