i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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