Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Randomize