I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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