Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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