The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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