I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
