I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Dignity is for republicans.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
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