I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
