last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
