did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Randomize
