apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
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i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
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she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
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