He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
