sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
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The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
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do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
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