I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
