She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
