I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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