there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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