i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
