your parents love me but you hate me
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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