I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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