they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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