just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
she told me i tasted like america
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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