Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Randomize
