He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
