I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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