Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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