phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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