So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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