I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I want to be your penis for a week.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
