I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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